Jane’s Story
Written by Mable C Dunbar, PhD
When Jane first contacted me, it was difficult for her to share her story. She had many fears. Would I believe her? Would I be confidential? How would I relate to her? She had been betrayed by other counselors, would I do the same? I had received many phone calls regarding the rumors about her “alleged affair,” but felt that there had to be more to the story.
She stated that she had always been faithful to her husband but felt that he no longer wanted to be married to her and needed to find a way to end the marriage. She shared with me various ways in which he had ignored her, humiliated her, lied about her, and used verbal insults that made her feel hopeless and worthless. I listened to her as she talked and suggested to her that she was a victim of abuse. However, she was not able to come to terms with that thought. She was not physically abused. There were no scars. Therefore, she could not be a victim.
Eventually Jane admitted that she had been verbally, emotionally, spiritually and psychologically abused. As I counseled with her my intent was to help her deal with the reality of her situation and find healing, and empowerment. Through her emotional pain and embarrassment she never lost sight of God and His love for her. Even though she could not understand why He allowed her to experi- ence emotional turmoil and psychological terror, her faith in Him did not waver. She reminded me of Job who said, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” Job 23:15.
Word got out that I was counseling her. She was well known and she and her husband had celebrity status in the Christian community. I received calls from individuals (men and women, church members and leaders) who cautioned me to be careful about talking with her, because she had committed “spiritual adultery” and I did not know “what kind of woman she is.” (Remember what Simon said about the woman who anointed Jesus? Luke 7:36-39). I was told that since I was a church leader and a pastor’s wife, I should be careful about associating her and the impact on my influence for believing her.
In fact, I was threatened that if I continued to counsel her, my ministry would be destroyed. I remember telling one of these individuals that God was the one who was in charge of the ministry and He would sustain it if that’s His will. I also told him that the ministry is open to anyone who needed my help and I was not concerned about finding out who was at fault. My job was to do what God im- pressed me to do: to help those who are/were victims of abuse, and reach out to me to find healing through Christ. I offered him counseling as well. But this made him very angry.
I was surprised that church leaders, administrators and some of my donors found it necessary to call me to try and dissuade me from offering her support. Why? Because her abuser husband was seen as an asset to the church and there was a need for his image as a devout Christian to be maintained rather than expose his abusive nature and behaviors. Christians leaders were willing to do whatever was necessary to protect the image of the church rather than soul! They wanted her silenced!
Why is it so difficult for some Christians to recognize that domestic violence, sexual abuse, child abuse or any other form of abuse is a tactic of the enemy to separate us from God? Power and control 2 issues are at the core of every abusive relationship and action. Power and Control behaviors can be demonstrated in any family, relationship, culture, profession, socio-economic background, race, organization, institution or religion. Abuse is SIN and its motivation stems from EVIL!
“The reign of violence within many homes is evidence most basically of Satan’s kingdom at work destroying order, love and happiness in human relationships. And until we enter the arena of domestic violence willing to battle evil, our efforts to see violence stopped and families transformed will be ineffective at best. We cannot dismiss evil as some vague spiritual force that presides outside of human behavior. Evil is rooted in a superhuman personality: Satan. And when people are violent, hostile, argumentative, deceiving, accumulating, as it were, a treasure of evil goods within the economy of Satan, they gradually permit Satan to restructure their character and own them. Whether using psychological or theological language, the truth remains that acts of evil are acts of sin. They are assaults on God’s moral laws. They separate the evildoer from God and from fellow human beings. The problem of wife (husband) abuse is not one of feminism, secular humanism, or a lack of leadership in the home. It is the problem of evil - unseen and unopposed.” -James and Phyllis Alsdurf, Battered Into Submission. pp. 61-62.
It has taken Jane many years to come to the realization that she is a powerful, dynamic, child of God. She was hurt and wounded, but now she is healing. She was angry and wanted to pass her pain forward to those who had abandoned and rejected her, but now she has forgiven them. She felt weak, hopeless, and battled depression, but now she is full of hope and of the assurance that God is her Sustainer, Provider, Deliverer, Friend, Comforter, and Husband. She thought that she would not survive, but now she is assured that “No weapon formed against me will prosper” (Isaiah 54:7). He reminds her each day “I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11.
She is a reminder to me that God is the author of our lives and out of His abundance He can and will heal. He can and will empower. He can and will save, and regardless of how significant or insignificant we are, we will be tried and tested. We will experience guilt and shame. BUT ultimately, we will experience, faith, hope, courage, forgiveness, hope, cleansing, and empowerment through God’s redeeming grace.
It is time for church members as well as religious leaders to take greater steps towards understanding the dynamics and subtle power of abuse, its prevalence in Christian homes, institutions. Now is the time for Christians to recognize that anyone can be an abuser or a victim. Now is the time to break the silence that tends to surround domestic violence and abuse in religious circles. Now is the time to become more sensitized to the needs of victims and abuser in religious circles. Now is the time to support a religious and community response to abuse that will help victims and abusers find their identity, healing, wholeness, freedom and empowerment in Christ.
Now is the time to help fulfill the mission of Christ which still is “To preach the gospel to the poor. . . . Heal the brokenhearted, Preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, To set at liberty them that are bruised.” -Luke 4:18.
What can you do to break the silence about domestic violence and sexual abuse in the church and other religious institutions.
