Mable’s Story

Written by Mable C Dunbar, PhD

He watched me everyday as I walked by his home from school. I was 14 years old. This day he decided that he would approach me. He told me that he had noticed me for a while and wanted to talk with me.

“Would that be alright with you?”

“Sure.”

Then he led me down a steep hill behind his friend’s home. Why did I go? I don’t know. I had no reason to fear him. He seemed nice enough. When we reached his destination, he asked me if I would consider being his girlfriend. I had no clue what being a girlfriend meant, except that we would do things together and I would have someone to talk to.

“OK.” Then he tried to kiss me.

Immediately a feeling of horror, and panic engulfed me. I was frightened. I almost felt powerless. I could not explain my feelings, but I pushed him aside and ran up the hill to the safety of my home. I was angry with myself. I knew that I could not, and should not trust men. Why was I so gullible to believe that he would actually like me for me rather that what he thought he might get from me? Why did I let him get so close to me?

I knew that I was different from other girls because of what people told me about my birth and how they treated me. I was an illegitimate child, a product of rape. Well meaning Christians (especially older women) did not know how to relate to me. Even though they knew I had nothing to do with the nature of my birth, they could not view me as “normal”. I was “soiled.” They gave me subtle messages about who I was and what I could or could not do. These messages told me I was not entitled to the same privileges as other children. I should not expect or strive for the best. I had limitations.

I grew up feeling that I was not good enough, that I did not belong, that I did not fit in with any group. I believed that my existence was accidental. I began to wonder what purpose was there to my life. I tried hard to please everyone, because in doing so, I thought I would be valued. I worked hard for validation as a human being, as a woman. I fooled myself into believing that if I labored hard in the church, and do all the right things: sing, play the piano, hold offices, attend every service, I would be worthy of life in spite of my “unplanned”, “unwanted”, and “illegitimate” birth. The feelings of inadequacy limited my being for many years.

Eventually I married a wonderful man. But doubts about my self-worth lingered: Why did he marry me when he could have had a more attractive and talented wife? Would he be sorry for asking me to be his wife? Would he leave me in a few years for another woman? Would he still love me when I got old, overweight, and slow? I decided that I would be the best wife, the best mother, the best Superwoman the world would ever know. I would not give anyone, including my devoted husband, a reason to abandon or reject me.

With these unrealistic goals and aspirations I became overwhelmed at trying to be the perfect human being. I was discouraged and disillusioned with life and prayed to die. “Lord, take me now, but not before You save me.” In the midst of this emotional turmoil and irrational thinking, I heard a voice saying, “Mable, you have no control over where you came from, but you have control over where you are going.” It was my mother’s voice.

But the voice only made me get angrier. Why did she allow herself to get raped? Why didn’t she do something to make my birth father stop his violation of her? Why didn’t she get married when she was pregnant with me so that I could be “legitimate”? My life was full of misery, and it was all her fault!

I tried hard to belong. I wanted to please everyone, but became frustrated because some people liked me, and others didn’t. Some appreciated me for working hard for the Lord, while others criticized and rejected me for being too active in the church. It seemed as if the harder I tried to be everything to everyone, the worst I felt. I reached the point in my life where I did not even know myself. I was lost. Yet to anyone observing me, I appeared happy, healthy, and holy.

As time progressed I had some long talks with my mother and have asked her to forgive me for being such a rebellious and ungrateful teenager and young adult. While basking in self-pity, I did not realize how traumatic my birth had been for her. I did not see how my mother had to change her goals, even her life, because she had been violated and had to deal with much pain, suffering, feelings of guilt and shame. For the first time in my life it dawned upon me that my mother was not to be blamed for what happened to her, or for what happens to me as an adult. My experience with the boy in the back of his friend’s house gave me a glimpse of the horror my mother must have encountered. I believe for those moments her experience was vividly portrayed in my mind, and I was given the chance to escape a terrible fate, something my mother never could have.

Today, I am a mother of three, and grandmother of four handsome, healthy boys. It takes great care, love, patience, and unselfish devotion to parent a child. As I thought of the way my mother took care of me, I realized that she did the best she could to nurture me so that I could experience healthy self- worth. As my feelings of anger and self-pity lessened, I have been able to love and appreciate my mother for giving me the most wonderful gift of all: LIFE. She didn’t have to, but she did. Today she is my closest and dearest friend. After all we are only 18 years apart! And I praise God that she raised me in a Christian home. Not a perfect home, but a home where the desire was sown early in my heart to seek a relationship with God.

While completing my Master’s degree I came across a statement that transformed my life. “Every human being created in the image of God is endowed with a power akin to that of the Creator–individuality, power to think, and to do.” This statement struck me because no longer did I have an excuse to blame my mother, the insensitive Christian women, my birth father, or feel sorry for myself.

God allowed me to be born! He created me in His image! He gave me power to be alive, to think, to feel, to be uniquely me, and to do! What a revelation! My mother’s voice rang in my head again, “You have no control over where you came from, but you have control over where you are going.”

I know that life is a gift, and I cherish that gift. It is up to me to decide what I will do with that gift regardless of what people say about me or try to do to me. My greatest accomplishment in life has been to recognize that God loves me, and that I am in His plans. It does not matter how I was born, or what people think of me, I am special to Him. I pray fervently and purposefully each day to keep my connection with my Creator and Designer. I explore and experiment with my abilities. I sur- round myself with people who give me positive and constructive messages. I give myself positive messages. I deserve to be here. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to shine. I deserve to be alive. I deserve to succeed.

How about you? Why were you born? What do you deserve?