I Can Take Care of Myself
Written by Ruby Rising
As a victim of domestic violence, it is easy to become preoccupied with what the abusive spouse/significant other is doing. I have struggled with this myself as I navigate my current situation. When in the midst of an abusive relationship, often times focusing on what the other party is doing and doing what you can to anticipate their needs and subdue their fury becomes a matter of survival. Thus, the habit continues when one escapes that environment and seeks to be free from the ties that have bound them to that person.
One thing that is most frustrating is that despite the efforts to placate, help, support, and encourage the abuser (while many times neglecting or denying my own needs), that person’s behavior cannot be controlled by my behavior. I cannot help what they are doing even if I try to control them by what I do. Even though another’s behavior can be hurtful, we become free once we realize that we do have an area that we can control: our own actions.
The Scriptures illustrate this point eloquently: “Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be thou envious against the workers of iniquity…trust in the Lord and do good; so thou shalt dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.” Psalm 37: 1-3. I may not like what the other person is doing, but instead of making that my focus, I can train my mind to think instead of those things which I do have control over. I can begin to think about my needs, wants, and desires and put a plan in place to meet those needs. I can take responsibility for myself.
As part of my healing journey from codependency, I have been reading Melanie Beattie’s book “Codependency No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.” In this book there is a chapter called “Live Your Own Life.” She summarizes a list of areas in my life that I am responsible for. Here is an adapted list from ideas in the chapter that I am responsible for:
Leading or not living my life.
Tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being.
Identifying and meeting my needs.
Solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve.
My choices.
What I give and receive.
Setting and achieving my goals.
Whom I love and how I choose to express it.
What I do to others and what I allow them to do to me.
My wants and my desires.
Therefore, when that abuser gives you his/her worst it is still going to hurt (at least this is my experience so far). However, I have a choice as to how I respond and how I let that affect my life. I can grieve the loss of the hopes and dreams that disappear with their behavior. And then I can pick myself up and think about how I can go forward and what I can do for myself. I do not have to accept that person’s “reality” as the truth about me. In fact, as I do this, I am practicing self-care. Beattie says, “Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, ‘I am responsible for myself.’” So, my friends, may we be encouraged today and go forward with our lives, to surpass and overcome all that has held us back in our past.
