O Be Careful Little Lips
She sat in front of me, a beautiful, blue-eye brunette. She said that she was being verbally abused by her husband of ten years, who was a successful psychiatrist. He called her names, and told her that he was so stupid she did not have enough sense to form an opinion about anything.
For many years she took the verbal abuse because she thought she deserved it, after all she had only finished high school and he was a doctor. But friends told her that she was married to an abuser and should take steps to protect herself. She did not believe them until she found out that her husband and pastor were plotting to have her admitted to a mental institution because she was “emotionally disturbed.”
You see, she was not able to figure out how to provide meals for herself, her six year old daughter, and husband with $20.00 a week! This is a true story. She was one of my clients.
According to Grace Ketterman verbal abuse:
Rejects an individual’s value as a person
Isolates the victim from social activities and friendships by destroying self-esteem.
Creates terror in the victim
Ignores the basic needs of its victims
Corrupts the values and behaviors of the victim
Degrades the victim by robbing him/her of self-esteem
Exploits its victim for the benefits of the abuser, especially from a temporary sense of power, false as it is–unleased during the abusive tirade.
-Verbal Abuse: Healing the Hidden Wound, p. 12 & 13
The victims of domestic violence with whom I have worked have often told me that the worst form of abuse is verbal abuse because they hear the sarcastic, negative, and scathing words in their heads no matter where they go: “You are stupid”, “You can’t do anything right”, “I wish you were never born”, “You make me sick”, “Why don’t you be like...”, “You are so fat (ugly, thin, tall, short)”. These negative statements play over and over again in a victim’s head like a record until she actually thinks it’s true. Then the abuser’s behavior reinforces what she believes.
For some victims this vicious abuse cycle repeats itself over and over again. What we are told about who we are contributes to the feelings we have of ourselves and then our feelings influence our behavior. We become “self-fulfilling prophets”.
Verbal abuse robs people of their dignity, making them feel worthless, senseless and powerless. When an individual feels powerless the door to their self-esteem is usually left open to be entered by someone who gradually maintains power and control over him.
